Tofu Hopes To Shed More Than Just Fur

He may look like a fluffy furball, but you're looking at pure cat, baby.  That's why our favorite corpulent kitty , Tofu Tamanaha-Patel, is scheduled to participate in the upcoming season of the hit reality show, Biggest Loser Animal.  For quite some time this mild mannered house pet has been battling with weight-related health issues such as arthritis, labored breathing, and trouble fitting through doors.  He hopes that his involvement on the show will inspire other obese animals to stop eating table scraps and drinking from the toilet, and start living a healthier lifestyle.  You are a one courageous cat and we're rooting for you, Tofu!

Settlement Money Leaves Stergie Seeing Green

The complaint filed earlier this month by Stergie, aka "Mr. Stergeos Bear", against Princess Leia was recently dropped.  The two parties ended their feud and reached an agreement to settle out of court.  Stergie received $20.00 to cover hair repair, plus an additional $10.00 as compensation for personal anguish.  

Stergie made a quick recovery and used the publicity surrounding the case to raise awareness about energy efficiency and the environment.  Sources report that he was initially going to use his settlement money to purchase an electric powered go-cart, but he ultimately chose the man-powered rickshaw because he is trying to minimize his eco-footprint.  Recent pictures show Stergie enjoying the sweet life in the front seat of his man-powered rickshaw, making it clear that you don't have to sacrifice glam to go green.

Blogman's Guide To Break Ups

For a quick and dirty break-up:

Inspiration:  Love specialist, Homer Simpson.

Method:  Text message

Sample text: 

For a break-up with potential to make up:

Inspiration:  Barney (not the purple one)

Method:  Pre-written letter

Sample template: 

For a musical break-up:

Inspiration:  Genius break-up lyricists and homel

ess schizophrenic, Wesley Willis.

Method:  Song

Sample lyrics:

New Kids On The Block

"Momma Cat", who gave birth Monday afternoon, has released pictures of her newborn children in exchange for two cases of Friskies™ canned-food variety pack.  These kittens will join their older sister Peanut "baby girl", who is expected to give birth any day now.  Peanut, who has gone into hiding since this morning, was unavailable for comment.  

When asked about whether she plans on raising her children feral or domestic, "Momma Cat" replied, "It'z they choice."   Caretaker J. Morodomi has not revealed the names and genders of the kittens, but assures us that Momma and babies are doing well.

Abortions Aborted!

Over the weekend landlord and caretaker J. Morodomi contacted the local veterinary about mother-daughter spay/abortions for Peanut aka "baby girl" and her mother aka "momma cat".  Their appointments were scheduled for 7am Tuesday morning, but things did not go as planned.  "Momma cat" gave birth to three kittens in the bushes the day before, and Peanut "baby girl" evaded capture the morning of her appointment by hiding in the bushes.  "Momma cat" issued the following statement: 

"We'z feral kats an' we wanna keep our bodiez intact!"

J. Morodomi fears that Peanut will follow in her mother's footsteps and give birth in the bushes any day now. Refusing to let this multi-generational family of feral cats take over her backyard, Morodomi plans on getting Peanut and Momma spayed next Monday.  The drama continued as Morodomi, previously vocal about her "pro-life" stance, was confronted about her apparent change in beliefs.  Morodomi responded by saying, "I'm pro-life for children, not cats.  These are just cats!"  Sounds like a double standard to me...More details will be posted as the story unravels.   

Co-Workers Refuse To Let Young Man Enter His "Mid-Twenties"

On the evening of his 24th birthday, Mark Fuentes found himself in a disagreement with his co-workers over the term "mid-twenties".  Fuentes, a strong advocate of "going against the grain" believes the term "mid-twenties" encompasses ages 24-26, whereas all of his co-workers believe the term specifically refers to age 25.  

Out numbered but not beaten, Fuentes later held a conference at the Emeryville Chevy's to rally support for his cause.  Long time friend and supporter Nicole Medina was quoted as saying, "Twenty four is definitely mid-twenties and anyone who says otherwise is a tickity-tack-fierce-tranny-hotmess and not in a good way."  

Many of the Chevy's workers did not agree with Fuentes' argument and subsequently staged a silent sabotage.  Fuentes fell victim to overly acidic guacamole and two virgin "Blue Agave" drinks, but quickly recovered.  While there is still disagreement over the term, Fuentes argues a strong point, and Blogman fully supports his cause.

Penelope Cleans Up Her Act

Arriving at a family celebration fully clothed and very docile, it is apparent that Penelope Snow has turned over a new leaf for the Easter holiday.  When asked if this change in image had anything to do with lent, Penelope's reps said, "No.  Penelope is only 26 days old and is therefore unable to participate in the 40 day fast."  

Apparently, the Paris Hilton impersonation that jump-started her career earlier this month, was just a publicity stunt.  In regards to the photos, her publicist said, "Penelope was young and underage, having been only 15 minutes old at the time they were taken.  She has definitely learned her lesson and is working hard to improve her image."  

The hard work is certainly paying off Penelope, you look absolutely adorable!

This update is brought to you by:

Carpal Tunnel Cakes--you're sure to shake up any celebration with our shaky writing!

Happy EasterrR, from Carpal Tunnel Cakes.

Princess Leia Will Receive Treatment For Biting Addiction

On Memorial Day weekend of 2008, Stergie aka "Mr. Stergeos Bear" and Princess Leia were playing a friendly game of fetch when things went awry.  In an attempt to retrieve the ball, Princess Leia jumped Stergie and bit at his hair.  Stergie immediately filed a complaint claiming, "she's trying to break my head!"  Princess Leia later admitted that she is battling with a biting addiction and is scheduled to appear on next season's Canine Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

                              

Landlord Threatens Pregnant Mother

Meet Peanut, the feral cat who made her way into our hearts (and my mom's backyard) last summer.  Her initial claims went relatively unnoticed--the patio chairs as her bed, the elm tree as her scratching post, and Stergie's sandbox as her toilet.  Her most recent activities, however, have drawn attention to her transformation from an innocent kitty to a flourishing sex kitten. 

Back in February, landlord J. Morodomi was quoted as saying, "I've witnessed Peanut canoodling with numerous tom cats after sundown.  That little girl is going to be in big trouble if she gets pregnant." Despite comments like that, Peanut continues to engage in scandalous activities.  In fact, she was recently caught doing the nasty with a long-haired tom cat believed to be Notorious C.A.T,  and was very vocal during their liaison.  She has since changed her name to "P-Nutt" and continues to fornicate in the middle of the lawn.  When asked about her behavior, P-Nutt stated, "Itz my body n I does what I wantz."  

P-Nutt has confirmed that she is pregnant, but will not know who the father is until she receives the paternity test results.  If P-Nutt goes through with her pregnancy, landlord  J. Morodomi has threatened to call animal control and plans on having P-Nutt spayed immediately after she gives birth.  Upon hearing these threats, P-Nutt has gone into hiding but still comes out for dinner and late night humpfests. 

Celebrity Droids Arrested

Sources report that R2-D2 and C-3P0, droids from the Star Wars saga, were arrested in Manchester while trying to sneak into the sold-out Spice Girls Reunion concert.  Disguised as Eva Longoria and Victoria Beckham, Artoo and Threepio were initially charged with false impersonation, breaking and entering, and fined £500 for dressing like skanks.  Both droids were held overnight in a local prison and made bail the following morning.  

Charges were later dropped when the real Victoria Beckham, wowed by the authentic impersonation, asked C-3P0 if he would consider being a stand-in for her children while she continued the Spice Girls tour.  No word on whether the offer was accepted or denied by Threepio.

When asked about spending the night in prison, C-3P0 was quoted as saying, "We droids are made to suffer such indignities.  It gives my motivators the chills just thinking about it.   British prisons are worse than the spice mines of Kessel." 

"BeepBeep, gurgle-beep!", added R2-D2.  

This was the first offense for both droids and hopefully it will never happen again.

Blogman Award: Best Comeback

Javier Bardem's hair in No Country For Old Men.  

His hair convincingly captures the look of the modern-day psychopathic killer and successfully revives the horror of the medieval page boy haircut.

Other Nominees:

Shaq's pants in Kazaam.

It remains unclear whether Shaq was actually trying to bring back parachute pants or if those were the only pants big enough to fit him.

Johnny Depp's bandana in Pirates of The Caribbean.

This was an unsuccessful comeback because Brett Michaels continues to incorporate this fashion accessory into his daily wardrobe.

Penelope In Danger Of Becoming The Next Paris Hilton?

On the evening of February 27, 2008 Penelope Snow made her highly anticipated debut with a spot-on impression of infamous Paris Hilton.  Following in the footsteps of Miss Hilton, Penelope has already recruited a live-in staff who bathe, feed, and dress her, as well as a large entourage who cater to her every whim.  Despite this pampered lifestyle, sources say that she spends most of her time crying and fussing, thereby fueling rumors that she is a full-fledged diva.

In response to these allegations, Penelope's reps issued the following statement:

"Penelope is still recovering from the traumatic evacuation of her former residence.  After her nine month lease ended, she was not given the option to renew and was forcefully evicted.  She has since then relocated and is doing her best to adjust."

Blogman sends best wishes to Penelope.

Blogman of Alcatraz Launch Party

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