Merry Xmas!

Love, 

Blogman

Learning The Facts of Life

While carving jack-o-lanterns one autumn afternoon, Stergie asked....

Blogman:  Do you even know what that means?

Stergie:  It means cutting away skin.

That's an apt definition for a 5 year old.  Watch out Merriam Webster.

Carlotta Valdes

The Person

The Song

Jimmy Stewart follows Kim to where your portrait hangs on a wall

Such a haunting image he forgets his partners fall.

Jumped into the San Francisco Bay

I'll follow you in  

I know you can't swim

When you've been dead 100 years, Carlotta

Carlotta Valdez

I will make you her.

The Drink

8 oz. Pineapple Fanta

3 oz. Peach Schnapps

Serve chilled/on ice.  

Garnish with maraschino cherries

Wherz Mah Bucket?

When I was a little Blogman I remember using my imagination to transform common household objects into inventive playthings.  Now I look at pictures of my youth and I realize that I was just a weirdo.  But, I think all kids are strange.

I'm not sure what I was "imagining" in this one.

 

Apparently my nephew shares my childhood interests. 

Life's Not Perfect, That's Why There's Walgreens

In a world gone soft, there are exceptions.  There are people like you who still hike, fish, hunt, climb, and tackle the tough chores like your father did. 

For them, or you, we offer Walgreen's patriotic t-shirts.  With sayings like:

-Don't Mess With The U.S. (featuring bald eagle)

-Army Wife (in puff paint glitter letters)

-"Peace Maker" (above two large guns)

On sale for $3.99, you'll want to stock up on these babies!  Perfect for Dads, Grads, or true Americans.  And remember, nothing says "Happy 4th of July" like a huge ass bald eagle face.

He Bangs, He Bangs

Fry-J decided to take up percussion again which means good-bye to the drum table.

This is what a replacement drummer looks like.

Note:  he is wearing a flesh-colored shirt underneath, he is not bare chested.

This is what a replacement drummer looks like on acid.  

Notice the parasitic twin that has sprouted on the right side of his head.

Here's "The Last Hurrah" performing their last hurrah for the summer.

The balding guy in the corner of the picture is the band's #1 fan.  He spent most of the night staring at them in a homo-erotic manner.

The show consisted of three bands:

1. Surface to Air which sounded a lot like Air mixed with Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon psychedelic synth parts.

2. The Last Hurrah which sounded like a mix CD filled with music downloaded from Kazaa circa 1999.  I mean that in the best possible way.  They have a variety of musical influences ranging from rockabilly to 90's grunge ballad (which happens to be Blogman's favorite type of music).  Although, they claim their sound is mostly "country".

3. Side Street Reny which sounded like Muddy Waters, mixed with Wyclef Jean, mixed with "more cowbell".  Their performance included a lot of "freestyling" and when the lead singer couldn't think of anymore rhymes he'd say things like, "I believe in one race, the human race." 

Overall, I'd say it was a good show.

Blogman: Wedding Photographer

It's your big day, so just relax...

and Let Blogman capture all the special moments of your wedding.

Here's a happy couple celebrating their nuptials.  They met on Craigslist casual encounters.

Please call for rates and availability. 

And remember to say, "I want to be shot on Alcatraz!"

Meet The Feralkats

Here's the story of a feral kitty

Who got busy with a tom cat, still unknown

Now her three kids live in my bushes

The backyard is their home.

Starring: 

Bootsie 

(previously declared male, but is actually female)

Brother 

(the wrestler)

and

BraveGirl 

(the brave girl)

Family Portrait

Laundry Monster Sighting

 A local amateur scientist has captured an image of what appears to be a full grown laundry-monster (aka "Lord Of The Stink") in its natural habitat.  Local launderers are saying that it is one of the finest photographs ever taken of the elusive mythical creature, reputed to "stink up" unattended clean piles of laundry.

Skeptics who have seen the picture say that it could simply be a lint cluster combined with a giant hair ball.  Others attribute the sighting to "a little too much drinking on laundry day."  

Whether you believe the picture is real or fake, it is certainly causing a stir in the media.  Reports have surfaced that FOX network is already in negotiation with Chris Carter to bring back the X-Files for one more episode which will investigate the origins of this bizarre creature.  Both X-Files fans and L.o.T.S. followers eagerly await the final word.

Ki-Ki-Ki-Kitty! Just Add Water & Watch It Grow.

See the kitty grow before your very eyes!

Now available in a three-pack!

Song Lyrics That Best Describe My Day

The vultures, the vultures,

the vultures, the vultures,

the vultures ate my dead ass up.

The Renaissance [blog] Man

Blogman of Alcatraz, reporting yesterday's news tomorrow, is now offering screen printing services.  

Choose from a wide variety of images:

Keyboard

or

Bearded Man

"You're in good hands with Blogman"

Shake Your Booties, Yeah!

Here's Boots at two and a half weeks old.  

His new nickname is "blue eyes" because he's a functioning alcoholic, just like the original Blue Eyes, Frank Sinatra.

Who likes to rock the party?

Boots likes to rock the party.

The Blogman Proof

Warcraft requires money and time: 

• warcraft =  money x  time 

Time is money:  

• time = money
• warcraft = money x money
• warcraft = (money)2
  

Money is the root of evil: 

• money = √(evil)
• warcraft = [ √(evil)]2

Therefore:

• warcraft = evil

Blogman's Most Wanted

Wanted!

Waldo is an elusive creep who walks with a cane and only one shoe.  Since the 1980's he has evaded capture and is now posing as a baby that lives in a cardboard box.  Waldo is wanted for vagrancy and owes $22,000.00 in library overdue fees for the books he dropped at various locations around the world.  If you have any information concerning this person, please contact your local authorities.  

Advertising With Homophones Proves Sex Cells

AcipHex.  Ass effects.  Same thing.   

I'm not sure if pharmaceutical executives are becoming increasingly mindless or amazingly witty.

***ADULT CONTENT BELOW***

This post reminds me of some good porn movie titles that I've come across (not from watching porn, but from hanging out with overly sexual, sharp-minded people).

Bitches of Breastwick

Weapons of Ass Destruction

Shaving Ryan's Privates

Star Trek: The Next Penetration

Trauma For Your Mama

D-day finally came for Peanut Feralkat.  She was forced to spend the night in captivity, waiting for her spay/abortion appointment, and the following morning she was in a baaad mood.  Consequently, the veterinary office labeled her box "Formerly Feral:  Open With Caution".  Later that evening she returned home safely, but continued to be pissed off at everyone.  Peanut's landlord, S. Demetreos was quoted as saying, "Those cats had fun, but the party is over now."

Boots Is A Cry Baby

This is a picture of baby Boots crying.  It was taken after my family went Michael Jacko on the poor kitten by repeatedly looking at its privates (to determine its gender).  The study was inconclusive, so Boots remains an "it" for now.  Being the most vocal of the three kittens, and the only one to have a pink nose with white paws, Boots is the spitting image of its Auntie Peanut.    

Tofu Hopes To Shed More Than Just Fur

He may look like a fluffy furball, but you're looking at pure cat, baby.  That's why our favorite corpulent kitty , Tofu Tamanaha-Patel, is scheduled to participate in the upcoming season of the hit reality show, Biggest Loser Animal.  For quite some time this mild mannered house pet has been battling with weight-related health issues such as arthritis, labored breathing, and trouble fitting through doors.  He hopes that his involvement on the show will inspire other obese animals to stop eating table scraps and drinking from the toilet, and start living a healthier lifestyle.  You are a one courageous cat and we're rooting for you, Tofu!

Settlement Money Leaves Stergie Seeing Green

The complaint filed earlier this month by Stergie, aka "Mr. Stergeos Bear", against Princess Leia was recently dropped.  The two parties ended their feud and reached an agreement to settle out of court.  Stergie received $20.00 to cover hair repair, plus an additional $10.00 as compensation for personal anguish.  

Stergie made a quick recovery and used the publicity surrounding the case to raise awareness about energy efficiency and the environment.  Sources report that he was initially going to use his settlement money to purchase an electric powered go-cart, but he ultimately chose the man-powered rickshaw because he is trying to minimize his eco-footprint.  Recent pictures show Stergie enjoying the sweet life in the front seat of his man-powered rickshaw, making it clear that you don't have to sacrifice glam to go green.

Blogman's Guide To Break Ups

For a quick and dirty break-up:

Inspiration:  Love specialist, Homer Simpson.

Method:  Text message

Sample text: 

For a break-up with potential to make up:

Inspiration:  Barney (not the purple one)

Method:  Pre-written letter

Sample template: 

For a musical break-up:

Inspiration:  Genius break-up lyricists and homel

ess schizophrenic, Wesley Willis.

Method:  Song

Sample lyrics:

New Kids On The Block

"Momma Cat", who gave birth Monday afternoon, has released pictures of her newborn children in exchange for two cases of Friskies™ canned-food variety pack.  These kittens will join their older sister Peanut "baby girl", who is expected to give birth any day now.  Peanut, who has gone into hiding since this morning, was unavailable for comment.  

When asked about whether she plans on raising her children feral or domestic, "Momma Cat" replied, "It'z they choice."   Caretaker J. Morodomi has not revealed the names and genders of the kittens, but assures us that Momma and babies are doing well.

Abortions Aborted!

Over the weekend landlord and caretaker J. Morodomi contacted the local veterinary about mother-daughter spay/abortions for Peanut aka "baby girl" and her mother aka "momma cat".  Their appointments were scheduled for 7am Tuesday morning, but things did not go as planned.  "Momma cat" gave birth to three kittens in the bushes the day before, and Peanut "baby girl" evaded capture the morning of her appointment by hiding in the bushes.  "Momma cat" issued the following statement: 

"We'z feral kats an' we wanna keep our bodiez intact!"

J. Morodomi fears that Peanut will follow in her mother's footsteps and give birth in the bushes any day now. Refusing to let this multi-generational family of feral cats take over her backyard, Morodomi plans on getting Peanut and Momma spayed next Monday.  The drama continued as Morodomi, previously vocal about her "pro-life" stance, was confronted about her apparent change in beliefs.  Morodomi responded by saying, "I'm pro-life for children, not cats.  These are just cats!"  Sounds like a double standard to me...More details will be posted as the story unravels.   

Co-Workers Refuse To Let Young Man Enter His "Mid-Twenties"

On the evening of his 24th birthday, Mark Fuentes found himself in a disagreement with his co-workers over the term "mid-twenties".  Fuentes, a strong advocate of "going against the grain" believes the term "mid-twenties" encompasses ages 24-26, whereas all of his co-workers believe the term specifically refers to age 25.  

Out numbered but not beaten, Fuentes later held a conference at the Emeryville Chevy's to rally support for his cause.  Long time friend and supporter Nicole Medina was quoted as saying, "Twenty four is definitely mid-twenties and anyone who says otherwise is a tickity-tack-fierce-tranny-hotmess and not in a good way."  

Many of the Chevy's workers did not agree with Fuentes' argument and subsequently staged a silent sabotage.  Fuentes fell victim to overly acidic guacamole and two virgin "Blue Agave" drinks, but quickly recovered.  While there is still disagreement over the term, Fuentes argues a strong point, and Blogman fully supports his cause.

Penelope Cleans Up Her Act

Arriving at a family celebration fully clothed and very docile, it is apparent that Penelope Snow has turned over a new leaf for the Easter holiday.  When asked if this change in image had anything to do with lent, Penelope's reps said, "No.  Penelope is only 26 days old and is therefore unable to participate in the 40 day fast."  

Apparently, the Paris Hilton impersonation that jump-started her career earlier this month, was just a publicity stunt.  In regards to the photos, her publicist said, "Penelope was young and underage, having been only 15 minutes old at the time they were taken.  She has definitely learned her lesson and is working hard to improve her image."  

The hard work is certainly paying off Penelope, you look absolutely adorable!

This update is brought to you by:

Carpal Tunnel Cakes--you're sure to shake up any celebration with our shaky writing!

Happy EasterrR, from Carpal Tunnel Cakes.

Princess Leia Will Receive Treatment For Biting Addiction

On Memorial Day weekend of 2008, Stergie aka "Mr. Stergeos Bear" and Princess Leia were playing a friendly game of fetch when things went awry.  In an attempt to retrieve the ball, Princess Leia jumped Stergie and bit at his hair.  Stergie immediately filed a complaint claiming, "she's trying to break my head!"  Princess Leia later admitted that she is battling with a biting addiction and is scheduled to appear on next season's Canine Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

                              

Landlord Threatens Pregnant Mother

Meet Peanut, the feral cat who made her way into our hearts (and my mom's backyard) last summer.  Her initial claims went relatively unnoticed--the patio chairs as her bed, the elm tree as her scratching post, and Stergie's sandbox as her toilet.  Her most recent activities, however, have drawn attention to her transformation from an innocent kitty to a flourishing sex kitten. 

Back in February, landlord J. Morodomi was quoted as saying, "I've witnessed Peanut canoodling with numerous tom cats after sundown.  That little girl is going to be in big trouble if she gets pregnant." Despite comments like that, Peanut continues to engage in scandalous activities.  In fact, she was recently caught doing the nasty with a long-haired tom cat believed to be Notorious C.A.T,  and was very vocal during their liaison.  She has since changed her name to "P-Nutt" and continues to fornicate in the middle of the lawn.  When asked about her behavior, P-Nutt stated, "Itz my body n I does what I wantz."  

P-Nutt has confirmed that she is pregnant, but will not know who the father is until she receives the paternity test results.  If P-Nutt goes through with her pregnancy, landlord  J. Morodomi has threatened to call animal control and plans on having P-Nutt spayed immediately after she gives birth.  Upon hearing these threats, P-Nutt has gone into hiding but still comes out for dinner and late night humpfests. 

Celebrity Droids Arrested

Sources report that R2-D2 and C-3P0, droids from the Star Wars saga, were arrested in Manchester while trying to sneak into the sold-out Spice Girls Reunion concert.  Disguised as Eva Longoria and Victoria Beckham, Artoo and Threepio were initially charged with false impersonation, breaking and entering, and fined £500 for dressing like skanks.  Both droids were held overnight in a local prison and made bail the following morning.  

Charges were later dropped when the real Victoria Beckham, wowed by the authentic impersonation, asked C-3P0 if he would consider being a stand-in for her children while she continued the Spice Girls tour.  No word on whether the offer was accepted or denied by Threepio.

When asked about spending the night in prison, C-3P0 was quoted as saying, "We droids are made to suffer such indignities.  It gives my motivators the chills just thinking about it.   British prisons are worse than the spice mines of Kessel." 

"BeepBeep, gurgle-beep!", added R2-D2.  

This was the first offense for both droids and hopefully it will never happen again.